


Did you lose what won't return? Did you love but never learn?

by farmsicle



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Don't Examine This Too Closely, F/M, It's just sad shit tbh, Natasha Romanov Feels, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Poor Bucky Barnes, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Rating is for language and description of death, So is Bucky, pls don't read if you don't like winterwidow, steve did a fuck up and i'm calling his americanass out, there are probably plot holes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:27:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21574513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/farmsicle/pseuds/farmsicle
Summary: "Did you lose what won't return?Did you love but never learn?The fire's out but still it burnsAnd no one cares, there's no one thereDid you find it hard to breathe?Did you cry so much that you could barely see?In the darkness all aloneAnd no one cares, there's no one there."-"Flares", The Script
Relationships: Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes & Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	Did you lose what won't return? Did you love but never learn?

**Author's Note:**

> This has a lot of spoilers for the IW and EG, so like yeah. Bucky's and Nat's relationship is based like it was in the comics. This does not go completely with the canon.   
> This is not a fix it fic.

Bucky Barnes didn’t know many things, but he did know that Natalia Romanoff is worth living for. Every second with her in his arms is worth more than months with other people. He crushed, and this time it was hard.

When T’Challa presented him with the arm he asked where’s the fight, even if everything in his body was screaming that he only wanted Natalia in his arms, not letting anything hurt her, just like he should have done back when Russians had them. He didn’t want to know, he wanted to be like every family on the planet and leave protecting to heroes while he watches from the sidelines. He would have already put ring on Natalia’s finger by now, they would have a dog and house with little white fence. But those thoughts were unwelcome in his head at the moment, he didn’t have a choice but to fight. When he got himself sorted out because Natalia couldn’t see him like that, he just went and put on a smile, that he knew she will see through the moment he walked up to them, but he put in so much effort to look okay with this, to be ready for the end of the universe, to be ready to lose Natalia. He followed her with his eyes as she entered the palace. He knew that next time he sees her will be minutes before the sky falls on their heads.

Soon enough there was a noise of the doors of weaponry opening and he turned around, his arms spreading along with smile that was supposed to assure her that it’s going to be okay. She practically collapsed as she held onto him as hard as she could, shivers wrecking her body, she whispered in low voice: “I can’t lose you, I can’t lose any of you James. You’re everything that I have.” 

He knew how she felt because it was all too familiar to him. He nodded putting his lips on her hair, whispering softly trying to reassure her that they’re going to be alright. “Natalia no one is going to die, we’ll get through this alright? We’re unstoppable remember? Is there anyone who survived Winter Soldier and Black Widow?”, he whispered kissing her temple. If he pulled her just a little closer than normal, hugged her just a bit tighter, kissed her head just a second longer, she didn’t point it out. He missed her red hair, it was her signature mark, only thing that she took from red room and she carried that colour with pride of what she had survived. 

Natalia just laughed in his shoulder nodding her head, wrapping her arms around him, resting on a gun that was actually hers, Bucky took it with no shame and didn’t plan to return it until Natalia hangs up her mantle. He slowly pulled her from the hug, still not letting go of her, he put hand on her chin, running one finger over her cheek, gentle, as if he was scared that one wrong touch would scrape her skin. He knew it couldn’t, because his little Natalia grew up more than he expected, her skin was thicker than any man he met in the army, Steve would probably be a bit angry if he said that out loud, but even Carter was nowhere close to Natalia in Bucky’ eyes. She went through so much, even in the last few years, holding what was left of the Avengers together, what was left of her family, and yet she only broke down when she was in his embrace, able to hide her face in his neck and know that he won’t tell anyone that she transformed into babbling mess, bawling her eyes out.

“Found something you like James?”, Natalia asked, teasing him, clearly to ease his mind from whatever he was thinking, she knew he was going too deep into his head.

He thought for a second, yeah, he did find something that he liked, he found her: “Yeah, a long, long time ago.” He took a deep look into her eyes, trying to make as clear as possible memory of love of his life in his head. Natalia smiled widely, grin evident on her lips.

He slowly pulled her in, putting hand on he back of her head, slowly putting lips on hers, it wasn’t rough kiss, nor was it perfect, but it was enough, it was them. It was a silent promise that this was not the end, leaving a feeling of need, leaving both of them wanting more. It was chaste kiss, innocent in every way possible. When they parted he noticed glossy coat that covered eyes that gazed into his, he could almost see himself, if coat was just slightly glossier he would be able to see it’s twin covering his own eyes. He let his vibranium hand leave her body, not even thinking about moving flesh hand where it rested on the back of her head. He sneaked hand inside the jacket, hearing jingle of his dog tags, Steve gave them back when Bucky came back to his right mind. He slid them off over his head, noticing clear confusion in woman he loved, he just smiled, small, teary thing, but she still smiled back. He slowly put the chain over her head, letting it fall onto his flesh hand so it wouldn’t pull any hairs on her head. 

He let it settle on the base of her neck, jingling silently on her chest. He pulled his hand so he could put pointer finger onto plates, pushing slightly just so she would feel it: “This? I want them back at the end of this. No excuses Natalia Alianova Romanova, none. These are mine and you’re just borrowing them.” 

She parted her lips, to protest, to tell him that she can’t promise him that, but she saw pleading man behind those manly words: “Yes… Of course James.” Shake in her voice was so clear. James told her one night, curled up against her stomach, caressing bullet wound, about how him and Steve exchanged tags before every mission back in WW2. She knew that this was big for him. She put hands over his and he turned his so he would be able to hold and bring her hand to his lips, closing his eyes and laying kiss on he knuckles, full of bruises and healing wounds.

“After this is over, all this bullshit, we will go”, he said with clear determination in his voice, startling her when he looked deep into her eyes.

“Where?”, Natalia asked even if it didn’t matter, it never did with him, they would be safe. Hand in hand, jumping from top of the world they would survive.

“Wherever we want and I will beat the crap outta anyone who dares to try and stop us”, that could have been a promise made in passion, but it was no less meaningful, because Bucky knew he would fight the world if that meant Natalia could stop fighting.

“Большой театр”, she said without a beat, challengingly gazing into his eyes, as if trying to see any sign of resistance, but there was none, he kissed her hand one more time, nodding.

If Natalia wanted he would build Bolshoi theatre using his bare hands. He nuzzled at her hand, waiting for her to try and tell him anything, but there was only a smile on her lips as she nodded: “Don’t you dare not keep that promise James, don’t you dare.”

They were soldiers, aware of the fact that one time they might not come back, that next time they step out of the tower would be the last time they see each other, but it didn’t matter, they loved with everything they had, fought with that same strength and gave everything they could to one another. That was what mattered, that was what got them going through the fight. 

All too soon there was King’s voice coming from the ceiling and they looked up, then at one another, before Bucky smiled, leaning to leave a kiss on her lips, small thing, leaving both of them wishing for more, begging. They took hand of one another, slowly going to the door, hand in hand like they should back in Red Room, ready to fight the whole world. Thanos’ ship was showing over Wakanda, and barrier was coming up. They looked at one another, not saying anything. Bucky saw Sam coming out of one of the other rooms and he went after him, running, knowing that Steve will need Natalia and that she can take care of herself. He caught up to Sam, taking the pace other man was using. Sam looked at him with his eyes full of worry.

They didn’t speak very often but when Sam opened his mouth and asked him: “Are you okay?” It really felt real, like he cared, and Bucky couldn’t express how glad he was for friendship that developed between them just like his relationship with Natalia, he tried to give a light, easygoing smile, wanting nothing more than to say that he hated this shit and just wanted his little house with a white fence.  
“Better than we will be if those creatures get inside.”, he told Sam just as they were stepping outside of the palace. 

He heard Sam say something, but his thoughts were too loud to hear the other man. They saw as planes flew over and barrier was protecting them, he smiled lightly at that, grateful where technology came, that even if it wasn’t able to just keep them safe forever it was buying time, it was something: “God, I love this place.”

Soon enough, both of them were running to get to the barrier, knowing they were close when they noticed the crowd of people that was showing, warriors of Wakanda. He would trust them with his lives times again and yet again, seeing Natalia there, on the front lines, made him feel uneasy, his stomach felt like it would drop. Both him and Sam passed through the rows of warriors, coming to the front, shoulder to shoulder with Steve on his right and Natalia just mere meters away. He watched Steve, Captain America, walk to talk to them, try to reason, but Bucky was no fool, he knew that those creatures had one order and one order only. Wipe them off the face of the Earth. He looked to his right, taking a deep breath before looking forward again, eyes fixing on Steve’s returning form. Bucky exhaled his breath before breaking a question, even though he knew the answer all too well, he still kept monotonous, but still no bullshit tone, as if he was mocking: “Did they surrender?”

Steve sounded breathless as he answered: “Not quite.”

After that everything was a bit blurry, he remembered watching those things tear through the barrier. He was scared at King’s order. They were letting down the barrier, only thing that was keeping them from dying. But they were gonna win, they had to. He didn’t know what would he do. As long as Natalia was alive by the end of this he would count that as a win. He begged God in his head, even though faith was long gone from his heart, to save her, to keep her safe and not let those things tear her skin and make her feel that agony. He prayed for her not to see him if he were the one to die.

At the end, everything was… it seemed pointless, by the way how Thanos just threw him off with just a squeeze of his hand. He watched as titan put last stone on his hand and snap his fingers. He felt coldness surround him and like he wasn’t feeling his limbs, like they were paralyzed, it was similar to how it felt being put under. It wasn’t new, it didn’t scare him. Not as much as the fact that… if this was—whatever ‘this’ is—was happening to him then… then… he didn’t even have the time to turn, he knew she was behind him. He looked at golden gauntlet, looking for a reflection to see that this was not happening to her too. When he saw that she was crouching, that Steve was standing there he opened his mouth to say something, to call out to his best friend, to tell him to keep his love safe, but only thing that came out of his mouth was low whisper like sound: “Steve—“. He called, saw Steve turn around… good… at least Steve will know it was not his fault, Bucky was not killed, he was just other half… other half of what, he wondered how it was selected… did universe take him as other half of the Steve’s and his friendship? Other half of his and… and Natalia’s relationship.

He felt his brain get fuzzy, all thoughts leaving his head and soon, he was no longer there.   
Last thought was her. Just like last time it was her. Beautiful streak of red hair and green eyes before his eyes.


End file.
